This post is really hard to write. I’ve been trying for a while. More and more tragedies keep taking place. I don’t want to rush to writing. I want to make an informed entry. I want to take my time. As the days go by, I feel more and more pressure to post something. So, here is my disclaimer: I don’t know all the facts. I don’t know if I’m right. I just want to write what I feel right now. I started this entry earlier and thought I’d saved it, but apparently it didn’t save right, so I’m starting over again.
“I hope there’s nobody here to shoot people” my son (8) said on Saturday as we parked the car and started walking into the mall to watch my daughter (12) perform with her dance studio.
“I hope so too buddy.” I said confidently as I held his hand and guided him through the maze of cars to the mall entrance. All the while, I held his hand and looked both ways and did everything I could not to get killed on the way into the mall. And then inside the mall, I kept thinking about how crazy that would be if somebody opened fire in that public place. I took deep steady breaths and decided not to worry and to enjoy my time watching my daughter perform without letting fear of a crazy shooter take that away from me (and all of us).
Thankfully we made it out of there alive.
When I get cranky about doing housework, one way I try to cheer myself up is to start singing (a silly song). I had some great conversations with other moms about the drudgery of housework and have decided to take a positive attitude towards it (and motherhood in general – don’t get me started on how annoying it is when other moms complain about their kids).
A good friend of mine in Virginia once told me when you’re a stay-home-mom, a good idea is to get up in the morning, shower, put on makeup and nice clothes just like you’re going to “work.” Because after all, being a mom is work. It’s my job. She said it helps to feel better about yourself. I shared that idea with another mommy-friend who also shares my love-hate relationship with staying home and doing chores. She wrote a really funny blog piece about the idea of fighting with yourself over such things – making the house look nice, making yourself look nice, having everything ‘just perfect’ as a mom (and she said, “If you’re going to get in a fight with yourself, you might as well look good doing it.”
Since I love singing and I want to bring levity to my daily chores, I’ve started singing a silly song when I do laundry. It goes something like this: “I love doing laundry. It means I have a family to take care of. I love washing, drying, and folding clothes for my boys because is means I have a husband and a son.” My oldest daughter (19) is off at college, so I don’t do her laundry. And my twelve year old daughter does her own laundry. So, when I do laundry, it’s for me, my husband, and my son.
Tonight, as I was folding clothes at the dining room table and singing my song, my son said, “Mommy, you know what makes me sad? All those mommies of all those kids who died are probably doing their last loads of laundry tonight. And they won’t get to do any more loads for their kids. They won’t have families to take care of.”
If that didn’t hit me right in the heart, I don’t know what would. It hit me to my core. He is so right. They probably are doing their kids’ last loads of laundry. They probably are wishing they had their kids back so they could make a mess in the house and dirty up some more dishes and laundry. My heart breaks for them. I can’t imagine their pain.
The school shootings in Connecticut have rocked me to my core. In my forty-four years of life, I’ve experienced way too much loss. My personal losses deserve a separate entry of their own (another incredibly hard post to write that I’ve started but never finished).
I understand there is good and there is evil in the world. I understand that people act out when they are upset. But I just cannot understand WHY someone, anyone, would harm innocent children. They didn’t do anything to anybody.
What was his point? What was he trying to accomplish?
I’m one of those people who seeks answers and wants to know details of how the tragedy unfolded. I don’t know why, but I do want to know. Knowing the details can help us piece together the puzzle of what went wrong and how to avoid it again in the future. There is too much heartache in the world. There are too may killings. There is too much hate. Some of it is aimed at children in our country and abroad, and some if it is aimed at other adults. Either way, enough is enough!!
Death is one reason I don’t understand or agree with religions. I think we as a human race made up religion to try to answer unanswerable questions like….
Why am I here?
Where did I come from?
Where will I go after I die?
To me, the answer to all of those questions is, “I don’t know” and “You don’t know either.” And you don’t. You might think you do, but you don’t. All I know is in the face of evil and hatred, my answer is love and kindness.
We need to love each other and be kind to each other. We need to spread kindness around the world, not hate.
Look around you and see where you can show happiness and bring kindness to someone else’s life. If someone doesn’t have a smile, give them one of yours. Let’s replace hatred with love.
I have so much more to say on this topic, but my time is limited.